So Jessa Said…

I worked on the yard all day long… I’m tired and so very, very sore. The biggest pain I’m having being my right wrist and hand. I can just feel it throbbing and both my hands are swollen. That’s what I get for trying to tame 30 year old shrubbery that hasn’t been maintained at all by any prior owner. And, of course, for trying to dig up the bricks and stepping stones buried in the yard. For raking and removing all the mess I made. You get the point. I’m wondering if I should try and dig up some IcyHot before bed to try and make this hand feel better. I could have serious problems at work tomorrow if I’m in this much pain still. The sad thing is that you can barely tell I did anything out there. Other than the fact that our walkway isn’t overgrown with weeds and we can drive the Jeep past the shrubs without scraping them, it all still looks like crap.

My last day at the bank is Friday. I don’t know how to feel about that. I was so excited, literally bouncng around the house, when I was offered the position and now just 5 months later I’m leaving. Returning to the life of stay-at-home mom, something I didn’t think I’d ever do again. I had been quite determined for awhile to be “somebody”. Not just mom, but somebody who did something during the day. And while bank telling isn’t some fabulous job I could gloat about or anything, it was something. It was a start. Just like going to school for cosmetology was a start, a stepping stone.

I look back at staying home the first time around and realize I was completely unprepared for it. I didn’t really know myself then, and I’m not sure I know myself even now. I don’t know if ‘domestic engineer’ is the path I’m supposed to take, yet I can’t seem to find a suitable alternative. I want my kids to have me accessible and available when they need me, yet I yearn to have that something else just for me. A place where I’m not known as just “mom”.

I know that staying with them has it’s rewards, they just don’t look good on a resume. And I know that eventually I’ll look back on the days when they needed and wanted me and wish they were back, but for now I’m a bit melancholy at the prospect of going back to the mom role and leaving work behind.

If I had just two wishes, I wonder what I’d wish for? You know if it actually came about that I had two wishes, I’m sure I wouldn’t know exactly what to ask for. Afterall, in most movies where wishes come true isn’t their usually an ugly side to the wish? Like you end up with a friend in the world, or something along those lines? I’d have to say my biggest wish would probably just be for the health and happiness of my adorable kiddos.