Kiss Me

I didn’t take my bipolar medication over the weekend. It wasn’t an intentional thing, I just didn’t take it. I never reached up into the cupboard and took it out. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. Needless to say, I didn’t have a very good Sunday; and today was rough. I went into severe depression mode yesterday, manic depression if you want to term it. Two days without medication and I was a complete wreck. I’m completely, 100% dependent on these medications and it frustrates me to no end.

I’ve always known that I have depression. I would freely admit that to anyone who asked. I’ve always known too that I suffer from severe anxiety. It’s part of the reason that I so enjoy spending time online; I don’t really have to “talk” to anyone. Talking is too intimate for me. Even with my own husband I get anxious about talking. Sometimes calling a friend is even too much.

So, four months into my medically induced “happiness” (which quite honestly it’s more like being sedated than anything) I finally realize that I’m never going to be able to stop taking medication. For as long as I am on this planet in my current form I will need medication just to help me cope with the day to day grind. Even things like getting up in the morning, or having to go to the grocery store will require me to be medicated. Having a relationship with my husband that is not stressed or angry will require medication. Being able to enjoy my children to the fullest extent will require medication. It bothers me to no end.

I don’t want to spend my life in this sedated sense, but quite honestly, I don’t want to spend it being depressed, angry and moody. Sure, I’d have my good days where I’d fly high like a kite, but I’ll pay for those good days in the form of very, very dark bad days. Days when I’m sure no one wants to be within 100 square miles of my person. Days when even I can’t stand the thought of being in my own head.

It’s disturbing to me that I’m this other person without medication. It’s disturbing to me that I’m a completely different person on medication. I know which is better, but at the same time I miss myself too. Four months ago I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that people don’t constantly hash and rehash the same thoughts a million times before sinking into depression and not knowing which way to go because the ‘perfect’ idea had holes in it. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to get a grand idea and then become depressed because the task was just too ‘difficult’ to handle. I didn’t realize that one could go to the grocery store alone without wondering what another person has just thought of what you were wearing, looking at, purchasing and on and on and on. I didn’t think I was all that different from other people, that was my normal. That was how I’d always had to deal with my world. Now, I have to wade through my world in a sedated reality.

And in this sedated reality emotion isn’t the same. It’s like seeing a vibrant picture without any color. I still have base emotions, but things like pure joy or raging madness escape me. Even if I know that I should be absolutely pissed off about something I can’t actually be it. And if I actually do get really mad about something, it’s gone almost as quickly as it came. I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense, it’s a hard concept for me to grasp even and I’m living it.

1 Comment »

  1. Kathryn said

    Depression is a scary disease. But don’t give up on hoping for no medication one day. One of my very best friends had been fighting depression for 12 years before finding meds that worked, but they were heavy duty. She even went through shock therapy. Now she is doing great. She got down to hardly any meds at all, and is off completely now that she is pregnant. She is doing great.
    Things can change. Your own body will change its hormonal balance over the years and you might need more or less meds in time. Maybe even none at all. Don’t give up. Hang in there!

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