Posts Tagged anxiety

Sedation

Kiss Me

I didn’t take my bipolar medication over the weekend. It wasn’t an intentional thing, I just didn’t take it. I never reached up into the cupboard and took it out. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. Needless to say, I didn’t have a very good Sunday; and today was rough. I went into severe depression mode yesterday, manic depression if you want to term it. Two days without medication and I was a complete wreck. I’m completely, 100% dependent on these medications and it frustrates me to no end.

I’ve always known that I have depression. I would freely admit that to anyone who asked. I’ve always known too that I suffer from severe anxiety. It’s part of the reason that I so enjoy spending time online; I don’t really have to “talk” to anyone. Talking is too intimate for me. Even with my own husband I get anxious about talking. Sometimes calling a friend is even too much.

So, four months into my medically induced “happiness” (which quite honestly it’s more like being sedated than anything) I finally realize that I’m never going to be able to stop taking medication. For as long as I am on this planet in my current form I will need medication just to help me cope with the day to day grind. Even things like getting up in the morning, or having to go to the grocery store will require me to be medicated. Having a relationship with my husband that is not stressed or angry will require medication. Being able to enjoy my children to the fullest extent will require medication. It bothers me to no end.

I don’t want to spend my life in this sedated sense, but quite honestly, I don’t want to spend it being depressed, angry and moody. Sure, I’d have my good days where I’d fly high like a kite, but I’ll pay for those good days in the form of very, very dark bad days. Days when I’m sure no one wants to be within 100 square miles of my person. Days when even I can’t stand the thought of being in my own head.

It’s disturbing to me that I’m this other person without medication. It’s disturbing to me that I’m a completely different person on medication. I know which is better, but at the same time I miss myself too. Four months ago I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that people don’t constantly hash and rehash the same thoughts a million times before sinking into depression and not knowing which way to go because the ‘perfect’ idea had holes in it. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to get a grand idea and then become depressed because the task was just too ‘difficult’ to handle. I didn’t realize that one could go to the grocery store alone without wondering what another person has just thought of what you were wearing, looking at, purchasing and on and on and on. I didn’t think I was all that different from other people, that was my normal. That was how I’d always had to deal with my world. Now, I have to wade through my world in a sedated reality.

And in this sedated reality emotion isn’t the same. It’s like seeing a vibrant picture without any color. I still have base emotions, but things like pure joy or raging madness escape me. Even if I know that I should be absolutely pissed off about something I can’t actually be it. And if I actually do get really mad about something, it’s gone almost as quickly as it came. I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense, it’s a hard concept for me to grasp even and I’m living it.

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Scrolling Saturday #1 Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder

Scrolling Saturdays

Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder

A little background….

In November 2007, I was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder and anxiety. Since then I’ve been on a daily medication regimen to help me regulate my mood and to deal with the anxiety issues. It’s been very difficult to get used to the idea of needing daily medication and even harder still to get used to the idea that I have a very severe and often misdiagnosed disorder like bipolar. For many, many years I’ve been told that I just had depression with a little anxiety or anxiety with a little depression. Until I really spiraled no doctor ever took the time to ask really detailed questions about my life history, my medical history and my mental history. It is a relief to finally not feel the way I used to, even if the cost of that is excruciatingly painful each month. I’ve chosen Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder as my first Scrolling Saturday because I want to get the word out about what Bipolar Disorder really means. It’s taken me at least 15 years to get a proper diagnosis. Perhaps I can help someone else get a diagnosis sooner.

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