Archive for cigarettes

If A Picture = 1000 Words…

“I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t believe myself” – Barbara Kelly

red smoking

Yeah, I’m smoking again. I’m disappointed in myself and my only excuse…my husband is still smoking and the cravings got the best of me. I’m not sure when I’ll have the ambition to quit again, but I can say the kids’ are extremely disappointed in me; as I’m sure my grandma will be when I finally get the nerve to tell her.

I’m not going to beat myself up over it though. It’s so rare for someone to be able to quit the first go-round. I lasted about 35 days…so next time I can maybe go longer and finish it once and for all? Possibly even this weekend if I’m all alone for two days? It would be great if I could get my husband to quit with me, but I don’t know if this house can handle two people dying for nicotine at the same time. He’s also smoked a lot longer than I have and I know it would be so much harder on him than it was on me.

You know, I have to talk about the picture with this little tidbit too…it’s awful. I think it’s probably the worst pro-smoke picture I’ve seen in awhile. So “glamorous” with the bright red lips and those “I don’t smoke” white teeth. I’ll tell you what, I don’t have white teeth and smoke coming out of my mouth is not at all glamorous. On top of that, the brand pictured (Parliament) isn’t that great. Cheaper than name-brand, but not great; just in case those non-smokers out there were wondering.

So now you all know it…I feel better getting it off my chest.  I haven’t really told anyone yet and it’s been bugging me.

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Still Smoke-Free

It’s now been 28 days since I quit smoking. I can hardly believe I’ve lasted this long. I have had little puffs here and there, plus that one bad day smoke, but otherwise I’m not doing too poorly. Unlike others who quit, I’m not forcing myself not to smoke. If I feel like having a little puff, I have one. It seems to be working for me, so I don’t think I’ll throw that idea out the window anytime soon. I don’t know that I necessarily feel any better than I did while I was smoking, but here are some things I have noticed:

  • I love chocolate. All kinds of any variety or portion. In total I ate about three four five boxes of Little Debbie snacks last week alone. Yes, 5 boxes. I’m not proud of that. That doesn’t include the one two 12 packs of pudding I polished off before the kids could touch any. I did however leave the vanilla! (See what a good mommy I am?)
  • Food, in forms other than chocolate, are my new best friend. If the freshman 15 is what happens in college, I’m getting the cigarette 30. I didn’t gain 15 pounds in college, and I’m making up for it now.
  • I have a lot more time on my hands. I never realized how much time in a day you could take up smoking cigarettes. If it’s 5 minutes to a smoke, that was about an hour of my day towards the end and over 2 hours a day in my prime. I spent 2 hours a day just smoking! Now I don’t have anything to do with those two hours and I find boredom strikes quite often.
  • Spending time on activities has gotten easier. I’m not always worried about when my last cigarette was, or when my next one will be. This would come in very handy if I was working. It’s also made visiting with others a lot more pleasant.
  • Given that I get bored more easily because I have those two extra hours, I find I’m in bed a lot earlier. This means I’m getting more sleep, waking up earlier, and not quite so crabby. I used to stay up just so I could have one last cigarette.
  • I no longer carry the scent of cigarettes on my person. That being said, the smell of someone who has just had a cigarette is now both pleasing and disgusting. I get a slight pang of longing at the scent and sort of nauseous at the same time. It’s a strange love/hate relationship now.

I guess you could probably safely say that I’m a “non-smoker” even if I am cheating on occasion yet.  I have a feeling within the next month I’ll probably be done with the cheating as it’s happening less and less often.  In fact, it’s generally five or six days in between small puffs.  28 days down, 337 to go!

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    I Smoked Today

    For the first time in 19 days I smoked an entire cigarette. I was careful to take small drags so I wouldn’t make myself sick. I’ll tell you, it wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. I really almost went and bought an entire pack because of all the stress I’m under.

    Stress Situation #1 — My medication situation came to a head when I found out that the pharmacy where my prescription sits wants $311 to fill it. What the hell? For ONE medication? That’s ludicrous if you want my own little opinion on things. So, I found that Walmart (as usual) has it cheaper, $174, and if I steal from the kids’ savings, I can have my meds. How sad is that? Being uninsured means that I have to take what little I manage to save for their future in order to ensure my own sanity right now. I feel pathetic for that.

    Stress Situation #2 — Financially, this month has been really bad.

    Well, whatever, so I smoked today and that’s really the topic I’m meaning to get at. I’m not sure I want to quit smoking or that I should. Life is so unbearably stressful right now due to circumstances beyond any control. It’s awful and I wonder if I made an unwise choice to just let them go before considering all the consequences of that action. After 19 days you’d think I’d rather just keep going, but I have my regrets.

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    Making the Bet

    I am glad to say it
    Nine days with no cigarettes
    I can make the bet.

    My grandma will be
    So very, very proud see
    That I quit, that’s it.

    Haiku Friday

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    Quick Confession

    Very, very, very early this morning (say 1AM ish), I took two drags off my husband’s cigarette. Okay…BAD! Yes, VERY BAD. To say that it was probably the nastiest thing I’ve ever tasted would be an understatement. I was shocked how in 8 days time something I loved could become something that was just undeniably disgusting. He warned me that it was going to taste dreadfully awful, but being an idiot I had to see for myself. I guess non-smoker is quite fitting now and I’ll stick with my patch for a couple more days.

    This all leads me to wonder if it really takes 21 days to break a habit. After all, I’m 8 days in and feel really good. Cigarettes now taste like absolute ass. Wouldn’t you say that for the most part I’ve broken the habit? The only crutch I really have left is the patch and that’s only because I’m following package directions and using it the full two weeks.

    I’ll admit it would take much more than 8 days for me to get over eating fistfuls of chocolate pudding or gorging myself on a really well cooked steak. I would probably need years to get used to the idea of not showering; even if I was forced to just not do it. So I really think a habit is only as strong as your mind thinks it is. I went into not smoking without any pre-warning to myself. Middle of the afternoon I stuck a patch on and that was that. I didn’t give myself time to think about how hard it might be, I just did it. Does that make the habit easier to break? If you just do it, instead of thinking about doing it, are you better off?

    Makes me wonder if that’s why so many people can’t keep New Year’s resolutions. They get so worked up over doing such-n-such that maybe it makes the goal completely unattainable. Or maybe the goals are too big. I guess it might be the one question I won’t get an answer too.

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