Life Uncertainly

Ever feel like the only certain thing about your entire life is that you are entirely uncertain what will happen next? That life is uncertainly what you make it? That’s a bit how my life has been for the last couple of years. Every time it seems the sun will break through the clouds, the next catastrophe hits and once again I’m back at the beginning. And I really don’t believe in luck. I don’t think I’m so entirely unlucky that everything I try to do will backfire, I just don’t think what I try to do works. Like I’ve been trying to reinvent the wheel and have been completely unsuccessful; get what I’m saying? Not that I’d literally try to reinvent the wheel, but well…you know….

So, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because it seems no matter how hard my husband and I work towards things we always end up going backwards more than we go forward. And when you are trying to work towards better things for yourself and your family, that’s easily a frustrating way to have things turn out. I can’t even count the number of times we’ve thought, “Well, at least this will be a good month” and then BAM….something to blow a good month right out of the water. That would frustrate you too right? I’m not just a big whiny baby am I?

Besides money being a real pain in the ass, it just seems that life in general never goes how we’d like or the way we plan. If we want A it’s almost assured we’ll have to settle for C or even D. Why is that? I really wonder if maybe it’s some kind of cosmic thing…bad kharma possibly? Whatever it is, I’m not liking it much. I’m ready to throw in the proverbial towel and just sit back and watch it all crumble. Then I’ll rebuild because perhaps I’ll get it right then.

I know that every choice that’s made, every action that’s taken leads to something else; cause and effect. That makes total sense. I just don’t know why all my actions and choices are not leading to the effects I’d like to see in my life. I see it working for others all the time. When, however, shall it be my families turn? I mean do I really need to sit down and pray? Some would say I do. (And speaking of prayer, I never did go to church...I’m a sassy girl…I chickened out!) Should I donate more to others, help people more in need with volunteer time? I’d love to volunteer but only if they like small children. And, if I had more (insert here) I’d gladly donate it to a cause, charity or person. I give my clothes to Goodwill. I let the kids drop spare change in donation buckets. I’ve gotten toys for Toys for Tots. I really am a nice person who wants to help others. Now, if I could help myself…well then, I’d be quite happy.

I guess I really have no point to this. I’m just purely frustrated at moving one step forward and three steps back. I’m sick and tired of it. I’d like things to go more smoothly and I’m not quite sure how to make that happen short of taking over someone else’s identity. And, that I do believe is quite illegal and I’d prefer my future didn’t include any jail time. I would prefer to meet my grandchildren without bars.

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3 Comments »

  1. desperate housewife said

    I would definitely encourage you to give prayer and church a chance. I was raised in a strict Baptist environment and swore once I was an adult I would not be part of organized churches again. But then I met my husband, who was also not attending at the time, and we decided to attend at his parents’ church once just for fun and to appease them.
    Four years later, I can’t imagine not being there or not having my daughter growing up with church as a part of her life. It keeps us grounded and gives her an extended feeling of family, a larger web of support, which we all can use. We are a part of two smaller groups within the church that meet once a week, and those people honestly feel like family to me now. Even when I lose track of that connection to God in the mess of daily life, whenever I attend a service or a group meeting I get refocused and back where I want to be in relation to God.
    I have very few theological beliefs that are set in stone, but I believe absolutely in a God that loves us and has a plan for our lives. The church we attend is an alliance church, and I’m not really sure their absolute doctrine on a lot of stuff, but I love the environment.
    Phew! That was quite a book of a first commment! Sorry. Just something I definitely identified with and wanted to give my two cents’ worth.

  2. Kathryn said

    I think everyone has that one step forward, two steps back affect. It sucks. But it has to stop somewhere, right? Life is just tough. I’ve come to accept it. It is just not meant to be easy. So, when you pray, don’t pray to have an easy life (cuz life never is), pray to be a strong person! 🙂

  3. Jessa said

    I definitely wouldn’t want life to be “too easy” even if there was such a thing, but I do feel like everything we try to do is hampered by something else. It’s just been frustrating lately. I do however, appreciate the advice and thoughts; especially those prayer/church related. That’s my biggest confusion lately, so any tidbit on that is most certainly needed.

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