Why I’m Still Awake

Reason #1 would be my canine boys. It’s unfortunate that they have a nightowl for a daddy because it means they are used to late night trips to the yard for the purpose of going potty. Menas I have to stay awake later than I should to hopefully ensure I don’t have any puppy potty on my hardwood floor in the morning.

Reason #2 would be that I don’t really feel like going to bed alone. Call me a little nutso, but I just really don’t like sleeping by myself and I really don’t like sleeping by myself in this house. With the creaky, banging screen door and just all the noises this house makes, I’d much prefer a hotel room.

Reason #3 would be that on nights when I actually do really fall asleep, I’m a deep sleeper. I always worry the smoke alarm will go off and I won’t hear it. Crazy, yes, but it does worry me. I have slept straight through one before, and I could do it again. I suppose it would wake up the kids, but who knows if I’d be able to come out of my groggy state to even understand what was going on.

Reason #4 would just be that I don’t know if tonight will be another one of those toss and turn events. Where no matter how many times I count things or try to do deep breathing exercises, I never fully get into a good sleep and therefore hate when the alarm goes off.

So that’s why I’m still awake. I’m not sure that those are really good reasons. Afterall, a person should at least try sleeping when they have the opportunity and the kids have been in bed since 8:30. Oh, to be a kid again and not have all the worries the grown-ups do. Now I fully realize why my mom tried to prevent us from growing up so fast. It’s really not that great out there in the real world sometimes. You are never quite prepared for all the stumbles, falls and mistakes you’ll make along the way. And, you are never quite as greatful for all the good times, friends and memories that happen along the path either; until it’s too late for full appreciation.

I apologize that I’m such a downer lately. It truly isn’t where I’d like to be. I know that help is around the corner. I’m holding on to what little hope others have been able to give me to just get through. I’ve worried so many people this weekend that I really feel ashamed of myself. In 19 days I turn 28 years old and I’m sure not acting like it.

And for something completely unrelated, the little man is talking in his sleep again. I wish I could get into his head at night to know what he’s dreaming/nightmaring about. It’s hard for me to hear that he has nightmares every night, all night. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I have heard him sound upset when he’s doing it, and other times it definitely sounds more conversational. I wonder who he got the sleep talking from? I don’t think I do it, at least it’s probably very rare if I do. And quite possibly it’s just another side effect of his medication. The things a medication can do to a kid are just, well, ridiculous!

Well, I’m off now to go and freeze my butt off so that the boys can do their business. Then I’ll attempt the business of sleep. The time change didn’t do a thing for me! I’m hoping 7AM doesn’t feel as early tomorrow as it did today, but I think it will.

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