Blankness

I feel completely blank. I think my mind is literally shutting down as many thought processes as possible. Of course, the only thing I can think about is the real-life drama and crap that’s going on. How completely unfair is that? I’d like my mind to wander to something else, but I’ll admit it’s not. I don’t sleep, I’m not hungry (except for my dinner tonight), I’m anxious, I hurt and I just feel like crying. It’s not much of a way to spend a full day and part of your night, but it’s all I’ve got. I actually considered calling my mom to see if she’d come spend the night, but it’s already after midnight here and I don’t really think she’ll be awake. I swear she’s already got me on her own personal suicide watch. Which in reality, may not be so far from what I need.

I really have/am (??) considering it. Whether it’s have or am I guess depends on how I feel at that minute. I’ve at least considered my options as far as how. I’ve just been too much of a chicken to actually take action to this point. So, now whomever reads this will probably think I’m losing my mind…the truth of the matter is that I certainly feel that I am. I feel that I have lost total control over anything in my life other than the fact that at some point I fall into an unrefreshing sleep and then the alarm goes off and I do it all over again. There is no point to that if you ask me.

True, I do have my children, and they are realistically the only reason I’m not sitting in my enclosed garage with my truck running until I pass out from fumes. It’s the reason I didn’t drive off the overpass on my way home. The reason the pills I gathered are sitting on the desk here and aren’t actually in my stomach making me deathly ill. Besides which I don’t know which combination would best kill someone anyway. Don’t want to just end up ill; might be hard to explain in the ER.

I do really want to die. I have no interest in going forward, moving on, starting over or any other phrase that would accurately pertain to the situation I am now sitting in. I planned on forever, I got nine months. I’ve been gipped. I want to talk to fate, destiny, God…whomever and have it all rearranged. I want to either start over or just end it completely. No matter what anyone may say, I’m not strong enough for this. I can’t do this. The only person I’ve ever loved in my life besides my children is not the person I thought he was. I’m maybe not the person he thought I was either. How you can not know that is beyond me, I guess love is just the stupidest emotion on the earth. I never want to feel it again. No more fluttered heart, no more butterflies in the stomach. Cremate me and throw me in a pasture of cow manure. It’s preferrable to the misery and heartbreak that consumes me now.

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