The Smoking Debate

So, if you read this because you know me, you know I’m a smoker. If that is coming as a shock to you, well, now you know!

I started smoking the first time at age 15. At that time I just smoked when someone else had cigarettes. I probably went weeks at a time inbetween puffs. At 16 I started dating someone who was 18 and smoked…and I got hooked. When I got married (the first time) at 19 I was still smoking and I was probably at a pack every day or two. My ex-husband and I tried once or twice to quit, but until I found out I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t have the motivation to really do it. So, finally at 21 I became a non-smoker. And, despite the desire to go back to it, I stayed smoke free through two pregnancies and two years of breastfeeding.

Fast forward to the ripe old age of 24 (Ha…) and I was going through separation, divorce and being a single parent. Cigarettes came back in to my life in a hasty way. I quickly went from bumming to buying to a pack-a-day habit. I’m going to turn 28 in a few months and I’m stilling smoking and still at that pesky pack-a-day habit. IF I can get a good price on generics, that’s $2.56/pack with tax every day; $79.93/month (31 days). You would think only rich people would smoke!

So, in all honesty, I think I’d like to quit. I have some good reasons for it too:

1. I do it around the kids, which is entirely unhealthy for them
2. My daugter has started to put things in her mouth and tell me she’s ‘smoking’
3. It’s too damn expensive and the tax is going to get hiked
4. It’s just plain yucky

With all those reasons, I still light up every single day. I can’t fight the urges and I can’t afford the various stop smoking programs that are available right now. In the long run they’d certainly save me money, but to get started would be more than I could afford. Catch 22 if you ask me. And, my husband still smokes; though he has mentioned wanting to quit. I know I couldn’t quit with a smoker in the house.

Now, if you know me, you also know that at certain points I’ve suffered from and received treatment for depression and anxiety. I find that smoking, no matter how disgusting, does offer relief from such things. It’s my dopemine so to speak. So, I find it hard to give it up because my brain keeps telling me it will make me feel better.

As a smoker, I can tell you that cigarettes can fit almost any mood. You can find almost any excuse to have one. If you are happy you light up to celebrate, if you are mad you light up out of anger… And you can have one before dinner, after dinner, before bed, when you wake up, driving in the car, sitting online…anytime.

I guess you could say that my mind is in a debate with itself over my smoking habit and whether or not it will continue. So far, I’ve made little headway towards a real decision in either direction, but I’m hoping that within the next year I will once again be able to call myself a non-smoker.

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1 Comment »

  1. Leslie said

    Good Luck babe!

    I have no doubt that you can quick once you put your mind too it.

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