Even My Mom Has One!
The one thing I really wanted to get this year for Christmas (for the family) was a Nintendo Wii.
I swear everybody and their brother (self and brother excluded) has one of the darn things. I’ve heard nothing but great things about the games, the interaction and the fun that everyone can have with this thing. So, I wanted to buy one. Strongly considered buying one. Realized it was the thing this year and didn’t waste my time trying to actually find one.
So, I’m visiting with my mom and there sits this Wii box for the sports game pack. I ask her nonchalantly who got a Wii, assuming it’s my younger brother (the one with every game system ever invented) or just an extra box she grabbed from work for something. Lo and behold…the box is hers. Two weeks ago my MOM bought a Wii! My MOM! Did you hear read that right? My MOM got a Wii. Not for the brother with every single game system every invented, but for herself. Seriously, I am now behind the times in ways not even imagined possible. She’s had it for two weeks and says it’s a lot of fun (after fighting my brother for time to use it) and that we can play sometime.
Play? Sometime? I almost raced downstairs to kick my brother off whatever game he was involved in to give it a try, but then realized I’d have to share with the kids…meaning I wouldn’t have gotten a turn anyway. Bummer. But, my mom has a Wii. Now on weekends when I have nothing to do I can go to her house, hang out in the basement and bowl my way into fame and glory…at least until I wear myself out.
What Does Jessica Mean?
This is just a lazy post. Picked it up at BlogThings.
What Does My Name Mean?
You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed… even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are the total package – suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It’s easy to get you excited… which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don’t stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.
You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.
Oh the joys!
Today is just another Tuesday here. We don’t really have anything going on and I’m glad for it. I don’t know that I have the energy to be a go-getter today. After P wakes up we do have to run to Walmart for a prescription and I definitely need to make a deposit at the bank and we probably should pay the mortgage while we’re at it. Of course, I’m not even dressed yet. I took C to school in my pajamas and L is still in hers as well. Since he walks himself in I didn’t think I really needed to be dressed to impress.
On another note, I have my husband’s sinus infection. I’ve managed to keep it at bay for almost two weeks and now finally it’s gotten me. I feel like my head may very well explode and snot may spew for miles when it does. I can’t believe that after two weeks I’m just now coming down with this. I really, really do not need to be sick. It’s hard enough some mornings to find the motivation to get them up and moving without having a sinus infection on top of it.
I’m still having it rough from not taking my meds over the weekend too. I woke up with my “cranky pants” on as my husband would so endearingly put it. I feel like just crawling back into bed and instead I’m dealing with L and her crabbiness over her new princess game. I’m already sick of the princess game and really wish her aunt hadn’t decided to give her a late Christmas present; it really could have been saved for her birthday. The kids already have things that are still in packages from Christmas because there was just too much and now we get yet another toy. Well, not really a toy, one of those plug-n-play game console things. It does provide some entertain value, but of course it also makes L a bit edgy since she can’t quite figure out how all the buttons work to switch games…leaving me to do it. Oh well.
Sedation
I didn’t take my bipolar medication over the weekend. It wasn’t an intentional thing, I just didn’t take it. I never reached up into the cupboard and took it out. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. Needless to say, I didn’t have a very good Sunday; and today was rough. I went into severe depression mode yesterday, manic depression if you want to term it. Two days without medication and I was a complete wreck. I’m completely, 100% dependent on these medications and it frustrates me to no end.
I’ve always known that I have depression. I would freely admit that to anyone who asked. I’ve always known too that I suffer from severe anxiety. It’s part of the reason that I so enjoy spending time online; I don’t really have to “talk” to anyone. Talking is too intimate for me. Even with my own husband I get anxious about talking. Sometimes calling a friend is even too much.
So, four months into my medically induced “happiness” (which quite honestly it’s more like being sedated than anything) I finally realize that I’m never going to be able to stop taking medication. For as long as I am on this planet in my current form I will need medication just to help me cope with the day to day grind. Even things like getting up in the morning, or having to go to the grocery store will require me to be medicated. Having a relationship with my husband that is not stressed or angry will require medication. Being able to enjoy my children to the fullest extent will require medication. It bothers me to no end.
I don’t want to spend my life in this sedated sense, but quite honestly, I don’t want to spend it being depressed, angry and moody. Sure, I’d have my good days where I’d fly high like a kite, but I’ll pay for those good days in the form of very, very dark bad days. Days when I’m sure no one wants to be within 100 square miles of my person. Days when even I can’t stand the thought of being in my own head.
It’s disturbing to me that I’m this other person without medication. It’s disturbing to me that I’m a completely different person on medication. I know which is better, but at the same time I miss myself too. Four months ago I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that people don’t constantly hash and rehash the same thoughts a million times before sinking into depression and not knowing which way to go because the ‘perfect’ idea had holes in it. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to get a grand idea and then become depressed because the task was just too ‘difficult’ to handle. I didn’t realize that one could go to the grocery store alone without wondering what another person has just thought of what you were wearing, looking at, purchasing and on and on and on. I didn’t think I was all that different from other people, that was my normal. That was how I’d always had to deal with my world. Now, I have to wade through my world in a sedated reality.
And in this sedated reality emotion isn’t the same. It’s like seeing a vibrant picture without any color. I still have base emotions, but things like pure joy or raging madness escape me. Even if I know that I should be absolutely pissed off about something I can’t actually be it. And if I actually do get really mad about something, it’s gone almost as quickly as it came. I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense, it’s a hard concept for me to grasp even and I’m living it.
